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If, someday...

I just stared at my screen for quite so long and decided to wrote about this. I had those years. We had those years. I know we might be left our dreams behind to faced our new responsibilities. We might completely forget about it. I know we might want something else, somewhere else. Even at the end of the day we finally grew apart. You chase yours, while I was busy dedicating my whole day to the kids and family matters. I didn't be able to chase mine. Let alone you encouraged me to be on the same page with you. I crawled from my dark place to reach somewhere I belong. To regained my time again, to own my room again, to build my dreams from scratch again. And, here I am. We left the trigger for some journeys and exchanged it for something hard and unpredictable. But you know what? We did it. This is something I quite proud of us back then. 😊 Remember when we didn't have money just to buy a (((cheap))) wall clock? It was a godamn cheap wall clock for God's sake, hahahaha. Re

A Short Post about What I've Lost

I wrote this in just one sit. I promise I stopped wherever I finish. So here I go. I have a lot to tell since the last time I posted. I’ve lost my father due to Covid. It’s my biggest loss this year. I never imagined I would lose him in such way. He is not my favorite person, but (believe me) losing someone who we get used to in his presence is still painful. He is my son's favorite person. I had a hard time to tell my son. And the time I told him, he cried the loudest. He said he still wants to play with Akung (this is the way they called my father). I don’t have a lot of his picture on my phone because accidentally my phone is just broken days before we infected Covid. I only have a few of them from other phones. Both losing him and remembering his presence is my soft spot right now. I could cry a river the second his face pop out in my head There’s a lot to heal.[]

Camkan Ini:

Kapan kau mau berhenti? Kapan kau mau benar-benar pergi? Aku sudah muak. Muak dengan sikap tak mau tahumu. Muak dengan bagaimana kau selalu ingin dipahami. Muak dengan malam-malam di mana kau tak bisa tidur dan minta didongengi, lagi dan lagi. Kapan kau berani? Kapan kau mau kelahi? Lawan lah semua itu. Kau mungkin akan butuh waktu yang jauh lebih lama, tapi kan itu tak apa. Walau tak jelas yang kau takutkan itu sebenarnya apa. Apa? Setan? Bukan. Hantu? Bukan. Ia hanyalah satu rasa yang menjajah isi kepala dan meracunimu pelan-pelan. Sudah. Aku mau pergi.[]

Days Without Phone

My phone is dying. Last Saturday morning (26th December), he jumped into the water while my husband took the boys in the shower. Don't ask how can it did happen. He is my seventh phone and has been with me for at least one and a half year. Just like you, I stored a lot of things there. After pulled it from water, I put it on the sack of rice for more than an hour, I guess. Still no sign of life. Ppfft. That evening we brought the phone to the service center nearby. I need it to be handling soon. It's an emergency because that day I had an appointment with someone and I have a project that still needs to progress. Run typical days without a phone is weird. Here, I want to share my notes on what has changed while my phone is away. I want to track down what things could be good if I totally off from my phone. I do believe there are good things about this. Day One: The time I realized my phone didn't respond to any instructions like restarting or total shut down, I went upstair

Hang in There, Sist!

I wrote this for something I post on my Twitter. It asked me to write a letter to myself. So, here we go. Uhm. It's a bit weird to write a letter to myself while me myself DO really know everything that's happened in my life. But while I realized sometimes we lie to ourselves, I think I might make a confession(?) about something. Dear Myself, Please focus on your goals. Focus on what's your doing right now. Do not procrastinate too often. You still have plenty of things to accomplished. So please be patient. One more. Do not feel thrilled or too happy whenever you watch your favorite tarot reading that speaking about love on Youtube. No matter how cute to hear they are. That love things are not our stuff :)) Please be real. Ha! That's all, I guess(?). I love you. []

Aku dan Dunia Senyapku

Jika orang lain tak bisa hidup tanpa hal-hal seperti ponsel pintar miliknya atau benda-benda memorable dari masa kecil, maka aku tak bisa hidup tanpa hearing aid . Iya, alat bantu dengar. Aku yakin belum banyak orang dari masa laluku yang—selain telah jauh berjarak dan jauh dari kabar—tak mengetahui bahwa kini aku adalah seorang pengguna alat bantu dengar. Aku mulai menggunakan hearing aid sejak tahun 2016, setahun setelah memutuskan mencoba jalan medikasi untuk gangguan pendengaran yang aku alami. Kala itu, aku yakin bahwa pengobatan medis takkan mengubah apapun. Aku merasa aku lebih membutuhkan alat bantu dengar. Ini bukanlah “penyakit” yang butuh diobati, melainkan kerusakan yang butuh ditangani atau diperbaiki. Jauh sebelum itu, hal yang mungkin dapat aku tunjuk sebagai “kambing hitam” adalah radang tenggorokan yang menyerang dalam satu tahun secara intens medio 2010. Efeknya tidak kurasakan di tahun berikutnya, namun beberapa tahun setelahnya. Hingga pada suatu petang, ket


When you really want to write something, but you can't. Just can't. When the weather is good outside, but you choose to stay inside. You just don't want to see the world. When you said: I'm not that strong, I pretended to be one. You just confused who you  are  trying to  convince. When you wait for the cards to open up but yourself said otherwise. Just: no. In the end of the day, you just want to... :)